Of Holidays and Livers
by Cutthroat Pixie
Summary: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black: Sirius loves Remus with all of his liver.


Title: Of Holidays and Livers  
Pairing: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black  
Summary: Sirius loves Remus with all of his liver.  
Notes: I wrote this like... forever ago for Fandom Commerce, and I thought I had already put it up, but apparently not.

* * *

'Christmas, Christmas time is here!' Remus heard Sirius singing in the other room. Oh joy. 'Time for... um... something or other... Moony! Are we out of intoxifying substances again?' Sirius wandered into the kitchen, where Remus was, trying to empty an already emptied out bottle of firewhisky.

Remus rolled his eyes. 'I don't know, but if we are out, I wouldn't be surprised,' he said. 'Give me that bottle, there's nothing in it!' He snatched the bottle out of Sirius' hands, much to the other boy's chagrin, and placed it in a recycling bin Sirius had never seen before. Odd, that one.

'I don't remember that being there, you know,' He started. 'Which is an odd thing, as this is my apartment. So, really, I should know what is going on with it at all times.'

'You seldom do, actually. I put it there.'

'Ah, makes sense.'

Remus went back to what he had been doing (cooking dinner) and Sirius sat in a chair at the kitchen table. He then proceeded to pull another bottle of something (Remus probably didn't want to know where it had come from, or what it was, actually) out of nowhere and start in on emptying that out just as he did the first bottle (and the second... and third. Lots of bottles.)

'Joy to the world!' Sirius started in again with the singing, this time with a whole new song. Remus couldn't possibly express his delight over this one. Really, he couldn't express it at all. 'The something or other has come! Let Earth receive her... wait. Moony. Why is Earth a her?' He asked, stopping his tune for the moment.

'I honestly have no idea,' Remus said. 'Do you like marshmallows on your candied yams?'

'Why would anyone candy a yam?' Sirius asked, utterly befuddled.

'Quite.' Remus threw the bag of marshmallows at Sirius. 'You can just eat those plain, then.'

Sirius ripped the bag open and began to devour the large, fluffy white marshmallows by the fistful. 'You're missing the point though, Moony. Earth is apparently female. Which means you've probably actually touched boobs in your lifetime. That should come as quite a shock to you.'

Remus blinked before sputtering out a very dignified, 'W-what?!'

'Earth is a woman. Women... most of them... have boobs. You've touched Earth. You've probably copped a feel at least once.' Sirius said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, even throwing in an eye roll for good measure.

'That... makes absolutely no sense,' Remus said. He turned off the stove and oven, fixed two plates of mashed potatoes, stuffing, and turkey (and one with yams), and set them on the table. 'Now shut your face and eat.'

Sirius stared at his plate for a minute, mouth closed, looking puzzled.

'Moony,' he finally said.

'What?'

'How can I eat with my face closed?'

Remus just sighed and ate his own food.

---

'Oh, Moony, Moony, how I love you so! With all of my liver! Lots and lots and… Lots! Really. What in the world rhymes with so? Or and, for that matter. And and and and.' Dinner was over, Sirius was on another bottle of something, and Remus was sitting on the couch, apparently watching Sirius recite poetry. At least that is what Sirius claimed he was doing. Remus wasn't so sure.

'What in the world was that?' He asked.

'A sonnet, duh,' Sirius said. 'You should know that.'

'First off, that was only the first stanza, and secondly...' He trailed off, and then shook his head. 'I'm not even going to get into why that was not a poem. You love me with all of your liver?'

Sirius frowned. 'This is a very serious expression of my love, you know. I don't appreciate you being so rude about it.'

'Alright then...' Remus raised an eyebrow. 'Do you even know where the liver is?'

Sirius looked around the room, then up and down his body parts, before his eyes finally rested on his arm. His gaze. His gaze rested on his arm. 'Right there.' He pointed at a spot above his elbow. 'It is right there, and it is very sad that you are rejecting it so.'

'That... doesn't make sense, and your liver is not in your arm!'

'Is too!'

'Is not!'

'Is not!'

'Is too!'

'Haha, I knew it!'

'Wait, no! Your liver is not in your arm!'

Sirius puffed his chest out smugly (at least that is what he thought he was doing. He mostly just looked like he was about to fall over backwards.) 'You admitted it Remus, and you cannot take your admittance back now. My liver is in my arm. Don't know where yours is, but that is where mine is.'

'But-'

'No if, ands, buts, or... ors? Yes. No ors. None of them. Maybe that is why you don't love my liver back, yours is not in the right place!'

'You are unbelievable. Go to bed or something, you great loon.' Remus stood up from the couch and made his way back towards Sirius' bedroom. 'If your liver would like to join me, I'll be in your bed.'

Sirius looked at his arm, whispered, 'Think it's a trick?', shook his head, said, 'No, of course not,' and followed Remus into his room.

'Merry Christmas, you drunken bastard,' Remus said when Sirius finally settled into the bed next to him.

'Yes, yes, and to you too. My liver forgives you, by the way.'

'I'm thrilled.'


End file.
